#there's a lot of trauma on both sides and the healing process isn't just a nice simple one | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dxmiyoung · 3 months ago

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hello! (pt 2)

hiii everyone it's carly, @jaeyongdx's mun, back at it again for another intro! this time i have ms miyoung, your local empath and very poised and put together cat lady. i'll once again ramble and offer some plot ideas below the cut! i will just plot with anyone for both muses no matter who likes which intro but feel free to like this if you'd like to plot anyway <3 just in case i can reel some of u in with one muse and not the other hehe. fair warning that suicide is a part of miyoung's bg, though nothing graphic is mentioned anywhere, and i'll always tag and use content warnings accordingly! i don't imagine i'll write about it in too much detail, but you never know, and i always prefer to be safe. here is miyoung's about page, and her playlist as a bonus 💗

ABOUT MIYOUNG

she's the baby of her family and they were very kind and normal

her older sister and brother were also both empaths

her oldest sister passed away during childbirth when miyoung was only 7, but at least she got her nephew @dxseoyun out of it

her empathy manifested that same year. it was a lot

her brother always had trouble managing his ability. it was incredibly strong and he was bombarded with everyone's emotions all the time, even across longer distances. medication didn't help enough

( SUICIDE TW ) he took his own life when miyoung was 16. her emotion negation manifested this year, and she used it to Survive

her mother passed by suicide as well, a day before her brother's funeral (/END TW)

this caused miyoung to dedicate herself to studying psychology. she wanted to honor her family and also try to prevent other families from experiencing the tragedies she did

she got several years to heal and find happiness alongside her father, thankfully

he was eventually diagnosed with a fatal kidney disease, though. he was hospitalized within the year and ended up passing away too

she developed her death sense ability about a week before he died. she thought it was anxiety at first but it just Hit Different. and she would feel it for others in the hospital, too, not just her dad

at least it brought her some peace when she lost him

she threw herself into her studies after that - and got a cat, jia, to accompany her

she worked for a while at an assisted living home, and taking calls for a youth mental health hotline while she was in school

she graduated with a masters in clinical social work, and eventually became a licensed therapist wooo 🥳

when she switched to therapy full time she missed working with young people

so she got the certification she needed, and became a counselor for high schoolers in the public school system

she works monday-wednesday at school, and thursday-saturday as a general therapist now

she is a bit of a workaholic. she loves helping others process their emotions but isn't nearly as good at processing her own. she just feels like it isn't that important

PLOT IDEAS

exes, maybe? miyoung has historically only been with men, and they'd have to be around her age (33 currently). i imagine work got in the way if it was recent, or she had too much Other Shit to deal with to fully invest herself in a relationship. there's a lot to work with!

patients. people who need therapy! here she is!

especially interested in getting people from the labs tbh. in my head miyoung has noticed a pattern of memory loss inconsistent with typical trauma-related memory loss and she's honestly very scared of it and i think that would be fun to explore!

if your muse has anyone in their family who goes to hs as well maybe their baby sibling has her as a counselor and gasses her up to them all the time

if u have someone on the younger side, miyoung was answering the youth hotline ~4 years ago and earlier, so if we have any former mentally ill teens! maybe they could've hit her up and meet her in person somewhere and they recognize her voice or smth

i think she goes on walks with jia (her cat). she has one of those cat backpacks for her. so we can definitely plot around that!

she is a coffee shop girlie, so that's always an option too

plots related to her powers outside of work somehow

i'm ngl i'm getting sleepy so let us brainstorm here too 🙏 thank uuu

#∆ – intro #woohoo 🥳🥳🥳

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loopyren · 1 year ago

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giving proper thought to the timeskip in inuyasha (part 1/2)

I've been thinking a lot about the three years Inuyasha and Kagome were apart, bc as you know... three years is a LONG time. The person I was three years ago is different from the person I am now. So I remember thinking it felt too fast to process (both anime and manga), bc the timeskip was sorta sped through in like a chapter/10 mins lol

How were Kagome and Inuyasha feeling during those three years? After being with each other practically 24/7, fighting a literal war, saving each other's lives, falling in love, Kagome almost trapped in the jewel... just to be wrenched apart at the end with no time to say goodbye. Jeez, that's practically trauma fuel.

There was no way Kagome didn't want to see Inuyasha again. So why did it take three years for the Well open for her?

part 1: kagome part 2: inuyasha

Kagome said when she returned, her purpose in the Sengoku era, to destroy the jewel, was done.

There is no reason to go back now. Well is closed. Bye Inuyasha.

Three years. Three years is enough time to be sad, to heal, and to think. I can imagine Kagome being a little down sometimes and her family noticing that. From how much she loved Inuyasha, I don't think Kagome could hide that she misses that doggie boi on the other side of the well. Because her family cares so much for her, I'm sure it didn't make them happy to see her sad.

However, it seemed pretty convincing that she couldn't go back. So it probably felt like a helpless situation to all of them.

Now, that doesn't explain why the well suddenly opened for Kagome one day. After all, it seemed like Kagome just willed the well to open... and there had to have been a time where she wanted to see Inuyasha, right? So why couldn't it open before?

I could just chalk it off as "the Well wanting Kagome to meet the legal age to marry Inuyasha" lol. That's valid enough I guess.

But, I want to bulk that justification up a little more... so here's what I think:

The Well was testing Kagome's desire to see Inuyasha again. Her job to destroy the Jewel is done, so it sealed itself up real good, forcing Kagome to focus on her life back home, go to school, meet new people, and weigh all her options for her future. If she STILL wants to see Inuyasha after all of that, then she will have proven herself to the Well that her desire to see him and go back to that era is genuine, not just some whim of the wind. (The Well isn't some plaything.)

In the meantime, the Well is adamant. Until then, it is sealed. I'm sure Kagome visited it many times, wishing to see Inuyasha. But she knows very well by her third year that the Well does not work.

When I think about it, after high school is when Kagome's life truly starts. That is when she gets to decide for the first time, for herself, what she might want to do with her life going forward.

To prepare for that, Kagome gets to weigh her options in high school about her future. In Japan, I think 1st-2nd year is when they start "university planning" called 進路希望調査 (shinro kibou chousa). 3rd year is when they take entrance exams. The closer she creeps to graduation, the more she is forced to think about her future.

That future without Inuyasha. Can she live in it?

When she graduates, she faces herself head on. "Look, I have to live in this world without Inuyasha. The well is BROKEN af. This is it." But she realizes, even still... EVEN STILL... gosh she just wants to see Inuyasha again. :(

In that moment, she proved herself to the Well. Kagome thought about this for three darn years. She went to school, stayed with friends and family, and she knows her options. Yet, her feelings for Inuyasha did not waver. She STILL wants to see him, thus proving that her desire is not superficial.

So finally, the Well's like, "Alright, I hear you now hunny. I'll open the portal."

When the Sengoku era sky appears in the Well, Kagome looks at it with such yearning eyes, her voice wavering with such longing... Her mom finds her, and knowing Mama, she probably has had a hunch all along that Kagome's happiness is not here in the modern era.

So in a true act of love, Mama lets her go.

GAWD MAMA HIGURASHI MVP MOM OF THE CENTURY I WANT TO GIVE YOU A HUGGGG

Thinking about Kagome's family always makes my heart break, seriously. Though, the timeskip feels sudden to me as a reader/watcher, but three years is still quite a bit of time. (Like, imagine from now, 2023 to 2026.) They had time together... I'm sure it was understood. It still must've been hard tho.

This got too long, so I'll explore Inuyasha's side in Part 2. -> I will link here if you want!

#i spent more time writing this than at my day job #i have a problem i admit it #kagome #kagome higurashi #inuyasha #inukag #inuyasha x kagome #kagome x inuyasha #inuyasha anime #inuyasha manga #my:posts #my:inumeta

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1kinaimo · 2 years ago

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Gon and Killua's farewell, it's all good between them + The Misunderstanding about Gon and his rage!

It's something I'm dying to say about Hxh. it is a bit important to me. so I'll write my thoughts here. it will be a bit long. I would be happy if you read it to the end.

We know that both Killua and Gon owe each other a lot. that Killua has become a new person thanks to Gon. A person with an incredible character development, from a cold killer to a better person. gave him a purpose in life. Finally, after years of abuse and torture and cruel upbringing, found a friend who took him away and protected him from his horrible family, made it clear that Killua would no longer be a killer. Broke Illumi's arm for sending Killua home, which is where he feels most uncomfortable. Gave him a childhood having fun with Gon and showing him the world. Also that Gon is the reason Killua removed the needle. And, and, and…

As well as Killua was always on his side. Always supported Gon, trained with him, helped him out of many dangers and obstacles. And both have never asked anything of each other.

What I want to talk about is, that I still see a lot of people who don't understand gon's rage and why he acted that way, and a lot of ppl just ignore his trauma and then blame everything on gon. and also i can‘t believe those people who say that killua left him in the end of hxh for what he said during the Pitou rage because he was mad at gon, even though Killua knows gon better than anyone and understands what was going through gon's head and what a trauma he went through. It's true that killua was upset and sad about it at first, but that's not the reason he left him! because if so, their bond wasn't strong enough, which isn't true at all. Their bond is still as strong as ever. There is no way Killua is mad at Gon. Gon did soo much for him. And all the things he owes Gon that I mentioned above eliminate what happened during the Pitou rage scene. Killua owes him so much!

And literally everyone who's ever been really angry in films or real life has said something to someone they didn't mean afterwards, especially when gons felt bad afterwards and apologized to killua. this is totally humane, and then people come and ignore gon's trauma and just stick to this scene forever..

Gon had this bad feeling about Pitou in his head the whole time. It hasn't let go of him since he saw Pitou. A monster that killed Kite and did bad things to his corpse. Where Gon thought that such a monster would never do good things, suddenly became a caring protector that Komugi had to heal. A monster that did such bad things with kite, suddenly showed compassion and feelings just because she was in a braking situation? Pitou wanted to be understood and make it clear to Gon that she will be the one to be listened to, and used it to her advantage! And that absolutely broke Gon as he couldn't take that and he saw Komugi as kite. that was the very last thing Gon wanted to see.

Gon thought to himself, "First you torment Kite, play with his corpse and use him as a guinea pig. Then you also want me to wait, listen to you and try to calm me down??? You still want me to follow your orders? Ignore my process and try to wrap me around your finger while YOU heal a girl that's yours? What kind of horrible person are you?” That just added fuel to the fire. This only made Gon angrier, because Pitou feels powerless right now and needs someone to heal after all the terrible things she did to Kite. She still wants Gon to wait and calm down. and all of a sudden, where she can't fight in this situation because of komugi, she has to show compassion and play the poor little cat. But in reality, she just wants to use this to her advantage, and when it's all over, she'll lie to him too, say Kite was dead the whole time, and then chop off his head. while gon was kind enough to obey pitou's orders. isn't that unfair? This is a very valid reason for him to be angry.

And in that moment, as he escalates, it's almost impossible to stop Gon with anything to tell him not to freak out like that. So trying to calm him down is like the other person is trying to put the blame on him. As if Gon is not heard. Therefore, trying to calm him down will only make things worse. He doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do now!

Gon wanted everyone to know that his anger is understandable! he wanted to be understood. He wanted Pitou to know that She is now bad and wrong. And since soo much emotional anger is flowing through Gon's body and it's rampant, especially in such a state where Pitou has killed someone important to Gon, the worst thing is when Pitou tries to tell him to calm down and wait target.

It always depends on the situation, but in this case it's something completely different. It made Gon extremely angry! (Trying to tell someone to calm down when they're upset is never a good idea. It only makes things worse) at the same time with the injustice that you heal Komugi and meanwhile the broken body of Kite is lying around somewhere outside, it only makes things a lot worse.

Since Gon is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and then a calm and composed person, as Killua and Pitou wanted to try with words for Gon to calm down, one certainly wouldn't expect Gon to calm down immediately and listen to this person. Especially not in such a critical situation. Nobody would. It just throws more salt in his wounds. Namely, it makes Gon feel that you understand his cause of anger, invalid, or unworthy. like he's overreacting. That he's wrong to feel something.

Can't let out the anger he's been feeding on for so long. That his emotions are not taken seriously. It seemed patronizing to him. So he thought his feelings weren't understood. It is sensitive to its feelings. He feels angry for a reason. And that just added more fuel to Gon's emotional state because he hears that from both sides. He didn't want to be told how he should feel. He wanted to be understood.

If someone is tormenting someone close to you, you will naturally get angry at that person. and someone tries to calm you down, do you calm down? Definitely not! Especially not with a 12 year old kid like Gon! This only makes things worse!! A quote that says: "Don't make me angry and then try to calm me down. It's like shooting someone and telling them not to bleed."

Because someone who tries to calm gon in such a situation, where he is already angry only allows the anger to escalate much more. so Gon wanted to take control of his own emotions and act on his own. Since Gon also knows how calm, kind and careful Pitou was and had control over the situation, she was selfish and ignored Gon's process. And that made Gon feel like she wasn't taking him seriously. Gon sees this as a loss of power and a form of manipulation. and that got his blood boiling because he wanted to take back control and ended up breaking down completely.

And in this state of gon, it's almost impossible to calm him down. all anger accumulates in him because he is not taken seriously. why should he still do what pitou tells him after all this? She has no right! this is degrading and humiliating for him after all she has done. and I can 100% understand why it escalated like that.

When Gon has tried to put an end to this anger, this feeling amplifies because it feels to Him as if it is telling him that he is irrational and what he feels or wants is less important what the frustration is and thus increased anger. It is also known that Gon has often experienced severe trauma, such as in childhood or on his journey. was reminded again and again how weak he actually is and how frustrated he was (but he always wanted to prove the opposite) and no longer wanted to be weak and worthless. Finally, in such cases, he can react particularly strongly because it reminds him of these terrible experiences. And I sort of understand how Gon feels about this, especially when his anger feels 100% justified, having experienced it many times myself.

But in the end it always depends on the situation. if it's a person who's stressed out about homework or something, that's normal. But certainly not in such circumstances as Gon!! And no one likes to be ordered what to do when they are angry.

And since most people feel uncomfortable when others are angry, they don't know exactly what you're going to do next. You don't know if you're going to harm them or yourself. They care and want you to stop being angry and you saw that with Killua. Killua did this, certainly not to make Gon angrier, but rather to find a better way to solve this, he was worried about Gon harming himself. Luckily, the situation got out of the way in the end.

And to me the "none of your business" and that he wanted to defeat pitou alone, line came from the fact that Gon never considered Kite's death Killua's fault, only his. So it's not Killua's job to avenge Kite or be punished for his death, the way Gon thinks he and Pitou should be. Gon has no problem letting Killua join him in everything, but he said back in Yorknew that it was okay if he died, but not Killua.

A lot of people point the finger at Gon and it makes me sad honestly. To see this poor kid go through so much trauma, carrying all that guilt while trying to make sure Killua never felt guilty at all, and then by the end wanting to die because he felt like everything was his and Pitou's fault (and not Killua's) was heartbreaking. Then to see these people, mostly Killua stans who think Gon is the worst because of how he behaved in the caa, while ignores and handwave Gon's trauma and blaming him for everything? (Don't get me wrong, I like killua, my top3 hxh char)

And if you pay attention to the show, it's perfectly obvious that Gon would NEVER insult Killua on purpose or intentionally! Gon is still a child who went through a lot of trauma in his life and couldn't process it all. And I think Killua understood that later, he's not stupid! Because even after what Gon said to him, Killua still cared about Gon so much. We saw him do everything in his power to protect Gon!

He wouldn't go so far as to say that he wants to commit Shinjuu with Gon "a lover suicide between 2 lovers to be reunited in the next life"! He has also turned against his entire family to save his friend. That he confronted Palm and told her to please take care of Gon because Killua doesn't think he can. Whereupon Palm said that Killua is the most important for Gon! We saw him running to Gon and Pitou extra, running so fast to help Gon, and running to the hospital after the explosion.

We also saw Gon with Leorio when Gon said he had to apologize to Killua as well as he had a bad feeling of guilt and not feeling well.

I have no doubt that togashi made the scene where Gon apologizes to Killua properly off panel, because we see him tell Leorio that he needs to apologize to Killua but we don't get to see the scene.

Killua basically said "well you already apologized to me". To me, that indicated that Gon had previously apologized and Killua was just playfully teasing him by bringing it up.

But it wouldn't really make sense for Gon to acknowledge he needs to apologize and then just not do it until Killua brings it up. That makes 0 sense. and Killua wouldn't joke about it if he was still upset about it. I hope togashi will show when they are back in the spotlight. But Gon knew he owed Killua an apology and said as much to Leorio so I have no doubt in mind he gave a heartfelt and genuine apology to Killua.

It's just that Alluka needs Killua more right now. Because how stupid would it be of Killua if he would send Alluka right back to the Zoldyck estate and continue his journey with gon again. So after the shoot "Okay Alluka thanks for healing Gon, now please go back home, maybe we'll see each other sometime" No, that would feel wrong. That's not Killua's character.

Alluka would be very offended on Killua for otherwise only using her to his advantage. She would be locked up again. Gon would have even more guilt inside him. And if Gon were in such a situation again, this time Alluka will definitely not help Killua again. And his family won't let Killua get Alluka out of there a second time.

Since he's already traveling with Alluka, he at least wants to make up for lost time with her. Because She would be disappointed if she was only used as a tool and sent back home. especially at Killua, where that's unthinkable. Because then she would think if he doesn't even want me, then nobody wants it.

He must protect her from Illumi as he will pursue them by any means possible and Killua has been targeted by his family. Means that it will definitely not be a fun trip for them! And Killua knows that! he is aware of that. Alluka also said that she will give Killua back to Gon, which made Killua a bit nervous. Both Gon and Killua have a tendency to push their loved ones away if it means keeping them safe, just like Gon would not allow Killua to die with him in the CA Arc and here Killua is keeping Gon safe by staying away until he gets a better handle on the situation.

Unfortunately, Killua couldn't take Gon with him either, as he would drastically increase the risk of something bad happening to Gon again. Gon and killua have other things to do now. since he can no longer use Nen either, he doesn't want to risk Gon's life again. That's too much for him and would be too dangerous. So he had to focus on Alluka for now.

Especially not when Killua knows Illumi is after him. So gon be pretty sure and returned to Whale Island. Since Killua also knows that Gon is now in close contact with Ging, and gives him lots of tips and advice, Killua feels Gon is safe right now.

So he can rest assured. Because everything is straight, in perfect harmony. killua also literally said he'd like to come with him, but he can't because of Alluka.

Gon needs to recover from the events and figure out what he wants to do next and Killua needs to protect Alluka and make up for lost time with her! Once he clears this situation with Illumi and his family, he and Gon will surely reunite. Because they are the heart of HxH.

Also, we're forgetting that Gon is not always just thinking of himself. Yes, he is a thickhead, and made mistakes but he cares about his friends and will go out of his way for them a lot. For example, he broke Illumi's arm for manipulating Killua and interrupted his search for his father to rescue Killua from his family. He let canary beat him so he can get killua out of there.

That he was worried about Killua all along, in greed island, that he was being poisoned. etc.. The problem is that Killua hides his own needs and insecurities, which leaves Gon thinking everything is okay. But you can be sure that if Killua asked for help or made his needs known, Gon would put everything down to help.

And that doesn't mean that Killua wants to brag to Gon and thinks "look here I have also a person on my side now and get out of here" that feels sooo out of character. And it's not Killua's nature to do that, especially with his best friend, someone he owes so much to. This is Killua's sister, whom he has known since he was little, and not a girl that he suddenly found along the way and thought "yeah I can make Gon jealous with that" No! That is absolutely wrong and completely out of character

Also, when Gon met someone with Killua on his journey, Gon never intended that he could now neglect Killua or make him jealous in any way. (And no, neither with Palm. Killua was jealous because he went on a date with her, but Gon didn't know that and it was never Gon's intention, since Killua also hid his feelings about something like that.) Of course, Killua knew from the start that Gon's goal is Ging and that they will meet a lot of new people, he would never have met, for which he is grateful. Gon was finally glad that he met Killua and is on his journey, because Killua was his priority, always! Gon knew that. but he only really realized that when he met Ging. when Ging said that what matters most is not the goal but what he met on his journey. (namely Killua)

Also, Killua didn't care how many people were with him and gon. he just wanted to be with gon, accompany him on his journey, have fun with him because he feels most comfortable with him.

Killua more than anyone knew that Gon was going through one of the most traumatic experiences in his life. If Gon was just cruel out of the blue, that would be one thing, but this was said in the middle of a understandable complete breakdown, especially that Gon apologized and felt bad about it later. And it doesn't suddenly discredit everything else Gon has done for him. Despite all the good he's brought into Killua's life up until that point. This was a moment they could learn from, not something that broke their friendship! He's been through enough already and Killua has forgiven him, and now has a better understanding about gon, more than the whole audience! as well as how real friends forgive each other in real life. All they need right now is to talk about their feelings, and I think breaking up will make it perfect.

And if Killua heard that something bad was happening to Gon, he wouldn't hesitate to help him! Exactly the other way around. Every good and strong relationship has its ups and downs and no relationship is perfect. Their relationship is way too strong to be broken! Also seen in the anime when Killua dragged Gon and Alluka into an alley and Killua looked at Gon with such a loving look for 5 seconds and thanks to Gon Alluka was freed too! Literally, Gon really is a light to Killua.

Two people who are indispensable to each other

Also remember that Killua said something hurtful to Alluka/Nanika. It would be a bit hypocritical of Killua to never forgive Gon, given that he said some pretty harsh stuff to Nanika (yelling at her to go away and never come back after she saved Gon. He apologized and was forgiven. Why shouldn't he offer the same forgiveness to Gon, his sisters gave to him?

They promised to keep in touch on good terms. They're still as close as ever. and I'm sure their relationship will be even stronger when they reunite.

There is also something the director of the 2011 anime said "That Gon and Killua are like a married couple. Gon is the Free Spirited Husband, and Killua is a wife who silently supports him. The Golden Duo"

It seems to me that Togashi brought Gon to the brink of death to introduce Alluka. He could have chosen any other way that Killua finds someone to heal Gon! It didn't even have to be killua who saved Gon, it could have been anyone else. but no togashi did it. He never wrote himself in a corner that absolutely required Alluka now in this arc. Imo, He wanted to introduce Alluka!

She should foresee the dark continent and the kind of insane threat that transcends Nen.

She also adds some lore to Zigg Zoldyck, since we now know that he explored the DC and likely brought Nanika back.

Togashi would need something to heal Gon and a reason for Gon and Killua not to travel for an indefinite period of time.

Give killua a reason to admit his family confront, show its growth

Because you also notice that Togashi has so many other ideas in mind that have nothing to do with gon and killua, such as the succession war arc, Kurapika, the princes, Phantom Troupe backstory etc.. All of this would not work so well if gon and killua were still together. He also deliberately omits the MC. because you can also tell that Togashi wants to show that he's not afraid of showing a full arc of not showing the MC.

And their friendship is a perfect parallel to Meruem/Komugi. Killua would commit with gon Shinjuu, two lovers who will be together in the next life (like Komugi did with Meruem) Because in Chp. 286 after this Shinjuu panel by Killua, a shooting star followed, which is supposed to seal this wish.

The same thing happened at Whale Island Chapter, when Gon and Killua promised to stay together forever, and then a shooting star sealed their wish. And this promise connects these two panels. Killua wanted to grant that wish at all costs, even as Gon lay on his deathbed. Since Togashi intentionally made these two scenes so similar with the idea of staying together forever, it's obvious that these two scenes are connected.

It's just something i really wanted to say. because I overthink it all the time. Even Hxh's Ending 4 is obviously a song from Killua's perspective, about his deep feelings about Gon. If you look at the lyrics you can also see how much Killua misses Gon. And I'm pretty sure he misses him a lot, just like gon miss him!

I'm sorry it was too long

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sophieinwonderland · 7 months ago

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Speaking of how people refuse to engage with "traumagenic" as an umbrella term, it repeatedly baffles me whenever I try to start conversations on the ways different traumas can affect a system, or just coin terms for specific traumagenic origins because our system finds them useful, and I'll get pushback from both pro-endos and anti-endos alike. Like, excuse me? I'm trying to have a productive discussion on trauma and healing here. Why are you so afraid to acknowledge that trauma can be diverse and more specific resources may be needed sometimes? My headmates who came from the trauma of a lack of accomodations for our disabilities have a very different relationship with our plurality and trauma than my headmates who came from not being believed about our pain or my headmates who came from being bullied or my headmates who came from financial stress. All of it is trauma, but it's not all the same, and each of us needs different things. Different resources, different methods of recovery, different words for what we went through. And it's a core part of our recovery that we need to balance all these different traumas and origins; if we just went about some sort of "one size fits all" treatment (which it feels like people expect us to go through), we'd end up in a much worse situation than if we carefully unraveled each trauma as its own thing.

I think it has to do with all the expectations around trauma that can be seen in DID spaces, especially when it comes to what trauma can cause a system to form. There's still ideas floating around over there that only specific physical and sexual abuse is "bad enough" to cause DID, and there are lots of posts that act as though everyone with DID went through the same exact traumas, eg. I remember seeing a fair amount of "this is what DID is really like" memes that include sexual abuse as if everyone with DID has suffered from it. And because it's expected that we all went through the same things and have the same process of recovery, well, there's no need to elaborate any more on our origins, right? Just say "traumagenic" and everyone has a specific picture in their mind of what you went through. It never occurs to them that being more specific might be necessary or at least helpful (even when they claim that just about anything can be trauma – which, yeah, maybe just about anything could be, but if that's so, why are you against people coining terms to find others who have gone through their niche traumas, so they can trade stories and tips on how to get better?). Add that to the claim that other forms of trauma or abuse aren't "bad enough" to cause DID, and, well... Any effect other traumas may have on a system, even if they're not considered part of that system's origin, get brushed off to the side or only vaguely acknowledged. It's better than how it used to be, but I still see this subtle attitude here and there.

I feel like I'm rambling at this point but as one specific example, we have headmates who specifically help us with eating enough, because our trauma involves food issues and a possible eating disorder. Despite these headmates likely qualifying as traumagenic or at least caregivers to traumagenic headmates, there's not much room for them in the traumagenic community, and I've seen lots of backlash for specific terms for them because... idk, I guess some people don't want to acknowledge that eating disorders or general food issues can be traumatic enough to cause systems or new headmates. Or they think any mention of such things, even in spaces specifically meant to discuss trauma, means we're "glorifying" the shit we went/go through. It's frustrating. I just want tips from other systems on how to help these kids eat more when our amnesia means I don't know why we dissociate at family dinners or what foods are safe to eat. Calling ourselves just "traumagenic" isn't going to connect us with the systems who can help with that (and before anyone says anything, neither is just going into spaces for food issues – most of the people there are singlets who don't have any idea what to do about our situation!).

#syscourse #pro endogenic #pro endo #multiplicity #sysblr #systems #system #plural #plurality #endogenic #eating disorders #disordered eating #traumagenic #actually plural #actually a system

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noomiithesnail · 2 months ago

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HIII! I came to hunt you down from ao3 🪓 your fics are absolutely ✨️amazing✨️ I am a sucker for angst and you really cook the angst sandwich SO WELL. Thank you for writing these stories! ☺️ I saw you asked for prompts, and I have an angsty one brewing here if you'd like to hear it :3

I was thinking of a scenario where Muichiro and Tanjiro went for a patrol or mission or what have you together, and thats all fine lalala until they come across an UGLY 🤢😱😫 sight of maggots (idk how, maybe the remains of a human or animal caused by a demon or something). And since Mui has now recovered his memories, he gets super triggered by the nasty things because they remind him of those days he spent with Yuichiro's corpse and the maggots eating them both (thats such a nasty thought to even think about, the poor babies getting eaten by maggots 🤢🥺). So then he gets a full blown panic attack and gets really stressed etc since I dont think he actually sat down and processed his past and healed, yk??? but luckily for him (and all of us) the best ray of sunshine Tanjiro is right there to help him and give him the biggest hug to let him know that he isn't alone anymore like he was in the past 🥺 but ngl seeing Muichiro freak out also freaks out poor Tanjiro because he's so used to Mr Hashira being calm and collected and strong, and seeing Mui starting to proper disassociate as a trauma response to the trigger makes him freak out even more, another poor baby 😢 but he's determined and finds a way to help Muichiro through this (maybe he gets Shinobu's help or figures out something on his own)... so now Tanjiro sees a super vulnerable side of Muichiro, which Mui doesn't really like. but that eventually leads to an opportunity for Mui to fully share his past with Tanjiro because I remember that he only spoke about it a little in Bonfire and Marigolds? He's grateful to remember his family but he's not soo keen to go back to that space and face what happened yk? But yeah then the angst comes to an end with a lot of fluffy and cute happenings between the two :3 and Tanjiro becomes a safe space for Mui to be vulnerable in 🥰

Thats the prompt, i hope it inspires you 🥹 if not then thats okay, i just wanted to share this with you 💖 byee *runs away*

HELLO!!

first off thank you for hunting me down i appreciate it LMAOO

Second HOLY. SHIT. I love that prompt sm smsmsmsmms aaaaaa

in some of the wips I haven't posted, I did mention mui having a trauma around seeing maggots and them sort of representing his past experiences and omg you're absolutely right there is so much angst potential there

you've DEFINITELY inspired me!! as soon as I finish bonfires, or Marigolds I might move onto that one! I have got another muitan one I've been slowly writing at the same time that I might post first, however. but that is such a good prompt and God I love me some angst

thank you for this idea! even though idk who you are, I'll still mention it got this prompt from you if I post it!

and ofc i would love to receive any more prompts you have in the future!

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knickknacksandallthat · 2 years ago

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Are jerejean aware that both of them had a thing with Kevin or did they just not share that in case it made things weird?

*Slight spoilers for Dead of Night & Darkest Before Dawn below...read at your own risk*

At this exact point in the series, I'm going to say no, they're not aware because:

a.) Jeremy knows that there's a lot of trauma surrounding Jean's past in the Nest and never wants to push him on who he did things with. So he doesn't ask - he only listens to what Jean is willing to tell him.

Jean, in turn, had VERY mixed feelings about Kevin after being saved from the Nest by Renee. It takes him a full year with the Trojans to allow himself to be angry about what happened to him and process it while understanding that it wasn't Kevin's fault. That Kevin was always on his side. But by the time he figures that all out, Jeremy and he started dating. So right now, I think Jean does think it's weird to bring it up and doesn't want to anyway because that would mean trying to pinpoint exactly what Kevin means to him...

b.) On the other hand, Jean technically has no idea what happened when Kevin visited California for that one training camp because Kevin never told him. So there's no reason for him to ask Jeremy if anything ever happened between the two.

Jeremy, on the other hand, purposefully doesn't tell Jean about Kevin. Because he knows Kevin is a sore topic while Jean is healing, and he doesn't want Jean to think he's solely influenced by Kevin. He wants Jean to trust him, and telling him how he kinda sorta almost had a thing with the striker probably isn't the way to get him on his side. Then, of course, things happened, and they started dating...and now Jeremy tells himself that Kevin belongs in the past. In the "before Jean" category. Because he's definitely no longer interested in the man. Nope. Not at all...

Good question, anon. Stay tuned. 😉

#fic asks #lovely people #kevin day #dead of night #darkest before dawn #aftg #all for the game #jeremy knox #jean moreau

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tinypinkmouse · 8 months ago

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Wow, that's a truly dizzying number of WIPs!! I hope it's okay to ask about multiple. I tried narrowing it down, I really did, but I'm still left with 4... So! Please tell me more about:

Surviving

Parallel

Another AU

Imperial AU

Multiple is definitely okay! So, I'll do these in order.

Surviving: If they live through all that happens in canon, well, Shen Wei's body goes through some stuff and I thought surely there'd be some after effects. Mostly in this case I went with some kind of brain trauma, plus some physical side effects. So there are days when Shen Wei just... isn't all there. And even when he is he isn't quite what he used to be physically, emotionally, mentally. Hopefully the dark energy is slowly healing some of it, but he'll probably never be quite the same and in any case it's a long healing process and none of it is easy on either Shen Wei or Zhao Yunlan. Also, there's some side plot where Zhao Yunlan keeps thinking he's hallucinating Ye Zun, but it's a ghost or something because he keeps showing up because he feels guilty about Shen Wei and wants to do something to help (probably something stupid).

In the end, the reason I haven't touched this in ages is because it's a heavy sort of subject and not only hard to do in a way that feels right but also gets tangled up in a lot of personal stuff for me.

Parallel: Right, this one is a bit confusing. Post canon ZYL ends up kind of occasionally slipping into this parallel timeline or something. His mom is there, but he never sees Shen Wei. Anyway, since they've promised not to have secrets anymore, he tells SW and then they both try to figure out what's going on and angst about whether or not it's something they should try to stop or not. The explanation is very vague and handwave but basically ZYL while temporarily not alive post-canon (before they came back obviously) somehow (with the help of some hallows I'd assume) did a bit of timeline tampering that he now has no memory of and it's taking a while for things to... settle. I really might just have wanted to save Shen Xi, tbh.

Another AU: very imaginative name and all. Oh okay, so this is not that AU, it's mostly canon universe, with slight differences in flavour to make it fit the story. But Shen Wei wakes up from his long nap and doesn't like the situation in Dixing, possibly tries to do something. The Regent doesn't like that. And somehow handwavily the end result is Shen Wei in jail in Dixing (he gets to meet Chu Shuzhi at some point). The story mostly starts with the SID getting a notification of an escaped Dixingren, no name or anything, just a general description. It turns out to be Shen Wei. The story got away from me a bit at this point and I'm looking at a whole mass break out (cause the regent sucks and Shen Wei is going to get everyone out of there, I guess, but it's not like Dixing will tell the SID that "oh btw, everyone escaped") and then while everyone is distracted by the whole mass jail break Shen Wei goes and frees Ye Zun and... It gets very chaotic at this point and the SID doesn't really do anything in the end because by the time they're told anything it's all kind of over already. Poor guys. And the twins plus Chu Shuzhi go and bunk with Zhu Jiu in Haixing for a while as Ye Zun recuperates (and probably Shen Wei needs some time too, getting everyone out can't have been easy).

And then there might be a whole rebellion in Dixing at some point. And the SID just gets these bits and pieces from Dixingren they happen to interrogate. And they're still looking for Shen Wei. One day the Black Cloaked Envoy shows up at the SID...

Imperial AU: okay so this one is all new. So I'm not entirely sure where it's going yet. Zhao Xinci is emperor, Zhao Yunlan crown prince. There's a war with Dixing, because someone assassinated Zhao Yunlan's mom, probably while trying to kill Zhao Xinci and Zhao Xinci decided they need to kill all of Dicing or something. They kind of won, but by then they've pretty much exhausted their resources and they need peace post haste. So to stabilise things there's a marriage between Zhao Yunlan and a Dixing prince, Shen Wei of course.

Zhao Yunlan is not happy. He doesn't particularly like Dixingren. But he can't really say no to the emperor so marriage it is. Also, he realises they really need the peace.

The plan is that Dixingren still have powers, but they're suppressing Shen Wei's somehow while he's in Haixing. Otherwise it'd be too dangerous for the crown prince and all. Zhao Yunlan is aware of it, but he doesn't realise it's painful to Shen Wei. Because there's a lot of angst potential there. But I haven't actually gotten to any of this and I'm still in the process of getting them married. And them I need to actually start getting along.

Of course, there should also be some kind of secret plot going on where Dixing has a plan to get out of this whole situation and turn things around for all of Dixing. And Shen Wei definitely has some kind of secret identity. And Ye Zun is left in Fixing to make some kind of plans. But I might still need to work out what any of these things are. Oops. Maybe it'll come to me at some point.

#writing #my wips #fanfic #guardian #sorry for the rambling answers

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scoobydoodean · 2 years ago

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as a long-term cas girl and heller i want to say i am living for your destiel takes. the way some fans woobify cas drives me insane though i do think it's influenced by how the show treated him at the end. but i strongly agree cas needs to be dean's saviour and pre-decided a romantic relationship was impossible. people don't talk enough about the fact there's a massive age/culture gap between them in which cas has more power in virtually every way (if this were a m/f pairing with a human woman there would be more discourse about this imo, destiel is the m/m version of this very popular interspecies romance trope). anyway as someone who is not even a dean girl it's apparent to me that castiel is NOT a safe person for dean to love since EVER (if one interprets dean as repressing romantic feelings it's because that'd cause him even more pain than cas has already brought him).

🙏 The show absolutely treated Cas terribly, and one of the most frustrating things for me is the lack of resolution to his need to fall on a sword—how he is always trying to martyr himself and that... isn't resolved. Leaving that character note—letting it stand—is very much like letting Dean die young and bloody. Like. They both got ends they predicted in some sense, coming from a part of themselves that thought very lowly of their own worth as individuals? And I think that's extremely sad. Like. He got to confess his love and I love that, but at what cost, you know? I would absolutely love to see a canon resolution to that storyline that's satisfying and allows Cas to heal and grow out of the unilateral, lone wolf decision-maker situation.

Yeah Cas literally beat Dean bloody in an alley using his superior strength, and large swaths of destiel fandom think that's hot and it's just a big joke, but then loose their fucking minds with rage when Dean in season 10, under the influence of the MOC which is actually altering his personality, beats Castiel up using his now superior strength. The whole thing is just stupid. I actually think the age and cultural gap is something Dean struggles with a lot, and uses to excuse Cas's actions a lot, thinking he just can't understand him. Like. Dean knows Cas cares about him. The rest? It's just confusing. Like. I don't accept the actors feelings as being established canon or as forcing certain interpretations, but Jackles kind of implied he plays Dean this way—that Dean isn't sure what the things Cas does mean because he doesn't know if Cas is coming from things at the same frame of reference as him or if Cas is thinking about things from some weird angelic perspective... and Cas's actions give Dean a lot of reasons to be confused. He gives Cas a LOT of leeway over things I would have made a way bigger deal out of I think partly because of this.

It is sad that Cas isn't a person Dean could confess romantic feelings to if he has them (which—I think he does?), though I think another issue is just that. They are all always doing things. Like. They are CONSTANTLY busy with one thing after another. When would Dean ever have the space to even evaluate that, much less choose if he trusts Cas enough to tell him. Even Cas, on his side, only confessed because it presented an opportunity to save Dean (and die in the process jfc). Otherwise, it seems like he was probably cool with just... keeping silent about it forever? And I think one of the other things we don't talk about enough, is that these dudes are like... fucked up. They have PTSD. They have severe trauma, and there are a lot of emotional issues they are trying to contend with, so when exactly are they supposed to figure out whether they want to be open about romantic feelings and how? They are trying to deal with trauma from being lobotomized and tortured and possessed etc etc etc.

#spn finale poo poo #mail

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rise-my-angel · 9 months ago

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i recently binged hotgw (by recently i mean a little while ago, i've just been a bit too shy to properly drop in) and i just have to tell you how much i love it which is best summarised by this

first i just have to say... the character dynamics!!!!!!!!!

you've put so much care at giving all of the characters the reader knows with such a unique, highly-detailed and multi-faceted relationship and it really shows because not onky is every relationship brilliant but i'm so invested in each and every one.

the earlier chapters are so interesting with the way you've written the broader baratheon dynamics - i would've never even thought to consider a barristan selmy relationship, and the decline of robert's character (not that he ever had much integrity to begin with haha) through her lens is so so interesting - it expertly shows the scope of how one character impacts another. also, the baratheon and targaryen lineage you paralleled with young griff was just ajsjajshxhhaajajajwj

and nothing delightfully pains the cockles of my heart than a dysfunctional father-daughter relationship (deffo not projecting here), you've managed to capture such an interesting mix of regret, anger, distance and love it's just so realistic and lovely (and sad) to read.

i also love how you developed selyse further than the (shit)show ever did and you've made her character development feel so earned.

and speaking of character development...

THEON

<3333333333

i would go into detail how much i love their bond but i would be here all day and this ask would be even longer than it already is

and getting into the two best relationships - robb and jon!!!!!!!!

a lot of fics always diminish the first relationship in order to make the second properly established but my god have you written them both so equally well.

the fact that robb (and all of the other dead starks) gets mentioned and is thought about so often is painful, but like, in a good way (especially compared to the show where rickon was never thought/mentioned again after he died). and i love love love his and the reader's dynamic - it's all so tragic but in a very very good symbolic and narratively satisfying way (even if my heart breaks apart every time).

and jon!!!!!! the way you have them doing constant acts of service unthinkingly gets butterflies in my stomach... and i'm a lesbian haha

i also adore how their relationship doesn't always improve in a linear line, as does her healing process becausw let's be honest... life isn't like that. and you've written her trauma so well and with such honour and dignity while still maintaining a sense of reality i just have to applaud you.

i'm also loving your insertion of the magical side of things into everything which is the thing that always pissed me off about the show - it was never meant to be a game of thrones but rather a song of ice and fire!!!!

and all your foreshadowing is so so so clever!!! i don't get half of it in the moment but whenever i reread (which is a lot) certain things tend to make such sense as the plot progresses and i just makes me so ughfhfjdjsj

and speaking of future events i cannot wait to see what you do with euron (it's already 1000000x better than the show) and the greenseeing i'm so fucking hyped.

and correct me if i'm going crazy... but are we pregnant???? or am i seeing (reading? idk) things?

i just cannot wait to see what happens - the time you upload is normally the exact minute i get off of work and it's one of the highlights of my week getting to read your chapters <333

the reader has been on such a journey from being grave as a coping mechanism (so so cool by the way) to wearing her heart on her sleeve, and with a high battle iq and political tactics, i just love her so much.

so thank you for putting so much effort into the story and for posting it too (it takes a special kind of bravery to participate in the got/asoiaf fandom, which i certainly don't have haha) and i cannot wait to see how it continues <33333

sorry for the rant haha

anither side note: that sassy dig at the stupidiry of the beyond the wall episode never ceases to make me have a little giggle

First of all, I do not deserve such an in depth ask about this story, you are way, way too kind!

I'm glad the characterization agrees with people, one of my biggest things about the series is consistency. How to develop these characters we already know into plots we haven't seen yet but keep them recognizable. It's my biggest worry with every chapter that I have totally missed the mark.

But a lot of these characters did not get their fair treatment, and they have so much potential. It's also just fun trying to think, what changes in this world with a whole other human being? Like how does the dynamic with Ser Barristan effect the story, does it have an impact on events later on? How do I incorporate the reader without making them feel shoved in or feel like I've made them too important and it takes away from the other characters, but also not have them be just set dressing in the background.

Robb will never leave this story, and I am beyond thankful he and the readers relationship worked as well as it did for you all. I adored their marriage and I knew it was going to have a huge long lasting impact and feared how it would go over should people not believe their love.

And boy oh boy I hope you were being honest about the magic stuff because we are about to go in pretty deep with that side of this world that the show never even slightly touched. But I'm super excited about it all, so I hope it doesn't disappoint.

Also, I knew putting that jab in there was so petty but I could not help it, that episode is the bane of my existence.

#i plead the fifth on answering a specific question you asked #i do not know what you are talking about your honour

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crumbleclub · 1 year ago

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Anyway informing you that 1. Ur posts are so incredible and good and they're a treasure to see i prommy, and 2. Ur ficlet for dream theory revamp au is taking up rental space in my head. Having silly thoughts about Evan just acting completely dead after he learns the truth about henry. He doesn't play anymore. Doesn't talk. He can't even work up the energy to be Super Nice To Mike So He Doesn't Want To Die Again like he's been doing for all the time Mike has been back. Mike definitely notices, but whether he feels comfortable/capable enough of confronting Evan about it is up in the air. Oooo, or, or maybe Evan leans even *further* into the Be Super Nice To Mike So He Doesn't Want To Die thing bc he's lost Henry and Mike is the only thing Evan has left

AWWW POOR BB

From my perspective (since it's ur au lol):

Mike would be so weirded out by seeing his brother stop playing and talking, but I doubt he'd know what to say. He wouldn't guess that it was about Henry, and, since it wasn't immediately after his attempt, he wouldn't associate those things together, either. He might wonder if something else happened that he didn't know about– William being rougher with Evan since Mike was still healing physically, maybe, or some unrelated problem his anxiety could conjure up– and one thing my Michael will always be is nosy. Like, this is a situation where it's actually somewhat helpful– one should look into it if their little brother shows a clear trauma response, obviously– but he's nosy in every other situation, too.

Rather than ask what's up like a normal person, he'd probably start paying way more attention to Evan (and William, and everyone else Evan interacts with)'s behavior to figure it out. He might try to ask in very roundabout ways if he couldn't find anything elsewhere, but he'd try not to let it look like concern for Evan.

(That's not a conscious decision, or even related to his abuse of Evan or any resentment he might still hold; it's a completely unrelated conditioned response that mostly relates back to the whole incident with William using a dog as a lure and getting pissed when Mike tries to interrupt.)

The first response, Evan losing the will to be extra nice, could be percieved by Mike as either an extension of the trauma response Evan seems to be having that he can't figure out the cause of– which would drive him to investigate further– or as things starting to go back to normal, where Evan has a justified fear of his brother and they don't really talk much.

It would make him sad, though, which he wouldn't be expecting. He might have to examine either the fact that he does need some affection in his life to feel okay– which is typical– or the fact that he might, shocker, actually want to have a decent relationship with his little brother. Both of these things would be a pretty arduous process for him; he's emotionally immature, even for as young as he is, and this sort of thing isn't something he's had any guidance on. He would probably throw himself into something else whilst processing that on the back burner.

The second one– being even nicer– would be more surprising to him, because he's really just not seen that level of nice before? If Evan got too clingy, Mike wouldn't be able to hide his annoyance, and he might snap from time to time, even though he's had half a wake up call at this point about his own behavior– near death experiences make people reevaluate shit a lot, but he's not like. Magically well-adjusted– and doesn't have the energy to be all that terrible at the moment. That being said– even though Mike is really needing a mentor more for this than his little brother's kindness– this is one of the most vulnerable places he's ever been, and, if anyone were to ever successfully find a shortcut to breaking through Mike's defenses by the sheer force of being nice, this would be one of the easier times to try it.

On the bright side, Mike does not struggle with leaning on one person too much, so Evan wouldn't get stuck in a therapist role or anything. Probably the worst case scenario for his response to the second one would be having Mike start to answer any questions candidly, and receiving a bleaker view of the world in response.

#this might be all over the place idk #ask #dream theory au #dream theory revamp au #cw abuse

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bonesandthebees · 2 years ago

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WAAHHHHHHH

I love the stars epilogue sm.

WILBUR FINDING NIKI!!!!! ADDRESSING NIKI'S TRAUMA!!!!! JACK AND NIKI MEETING!!!!!! EVERYONE BEING SO EXCITED TO SEE / MEET NIKI!!!!!!

NIKI!!!!!!

I am so happy to see her again and to see how much she's changed and how the invasion affected her. Everyone was so focused on the trauma the boys went through and fixated on the idea of Niki coming to save the day that they forgot that Niki is the same age as Wilbur!!! She went through shit as well other than just being left by the two of them!!! She had to find a way off the planet by herself and find a place to go!!! She was not going to be teaming up with the people that imprisoned her and tried to kill two of the people closest to her.

I'm just rlly glad that everything she went through was acknowledged and that she and Wilbur are repairing their relationship.

Tommy being so happy to see her again was so heartwarming. Their relationship isn't as focused on in this but it's so lovely.

I love how everyone she meets from AE is like "Oh my god it's you!!!! I've heard so mucn about you!!!! You're so cool!!!!" This is the Niki appreciation that we need.

WILBUR CALLING PHIL DAD!!!! All of their interactions during this were all I have ever needed.

Techno trying to get Wilbur to bring more guards since he's terrible at fighting and Wilbur changing the subject immediately was great lmao. You just know this is something they keep arguing about.

THE ENTIRE CORONATION!!

I'll go more in depth into that in another ask but IT IS SO AKBSKABSKSBJSVAJSVGSH

The beginning of a new era of prosperity with Tommy as the head the planet :'))

Every noble who used to look down on Wilbur now bowing to him as he's surrounded by friends and family, the people who love him and him now being in a higher position of power than Tommy (I believe ??).

This is such a perfect end to a fantastic story that brought me to tears so many times. I had so much fun analysing this and you did fucking amazing with this Bee.

Can't wait to see how glass divine (which I will harass you w my thoughts abt later) and your future works go :]

- 🦈

NIKI YES MY BELOVED!! thank you for getting it oh my god. while of course I understand why a lot of readers might've thought niki would be a deus ex machina who swoops in to save the day or possibly was going to be a plot twist where she turns on them, that was never what i was going for. because niki and wilbur are the same age. she grew up on a foreign planet with the closest thing to a family she had being wilbur and tommy. and suddenly, she's ripped away from them both. she doesn't know if they're alive or dead, and she doesn't know if she's going to be killed herself. she used her Voice to kill soldiers during the invasion, and that was something that stuck with her too.

I wanted the reunion scene to emphasize that niki had her own shit to work through just like wilbur. in a lot of ways, she had it worse, because even when things got bad wilbur had tommy by his side, and later phil. he had people for comfort. niki didn't. niki was entirely alone and had to process her trauma without any outside support. so yeah, I'm really glad you got what I meant with their reunion. she and wilbur are repairing their relationship and now she's finally in a place where she can properly heal.

tommy and niki underrated duo fr

literally wilbur and tommy have told everyone in the damn palace about how great niki is. niki is like, famous in the zephys iv palace just through word of mouth. poor girl has no idea how much her boys have talked about her.

wilbur calling phil dad made me so happy to write :)

oh yeah techno and wilbur are in a constant argument about how many guards wilbur needs with him at all times

new era for eldingvegr!! tommy as the head!!

all the nobility having to bow to wilbur was so satisfying to write like fuck you guys look where the bastard kid is now. and yes, wilbur is technically in a higher position of power than tommy since eldingvegr belongs to the antarctic empire.

so glad you enjoyed ty so much for your asks shark anon

#ask #shark anon #the stars and their children

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terrifyingstories3 · 2 years ago

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on timejump and s6 aria, re: liam, ezra, healing -

no ez/ria - gone, deleted, 404 not found. i don't know what exactly happens to ezra (preferably prison or death), but he's gone.

upon leaving rosewood, aria can finally begin to process and heal from their "relationship"

she doesn't seek out a relationship - she needed to heal and needed to focus on herself to do that.

but then she meets liam, and it's casual and easy on both sides. they share a love of writing and work and it's nice. it's not this overwhelmingly passionate or consuming thing, and aria doesn't want it to be. she's not ready for that - she's still healing from ezra, from the dollhouse, from "a." it's nice to have someone, though, and aria enjoys that connection

ultimately, being with liam was healing for aria. the relationship helped a lot in terms of her learning to trust herself after ezra

it was important for her - being attracted to someone and liking them and acting on it, trusting that they're a good person and she can trust her own perception even though she's been wrong before - even though that same perception told her once that ezra was safe and good and she could trust him. trusting that her gut will tell her if something is wrong and she needs to get out even though her gut was in love with ezra and she never saw any of the signs

it was a big step for her, and even though she regrets hurting liam, she doesn't regret that.

she needed that, it was something that needed to happen for her to heal - and she learns to have compassion for herself needing that, regardless of how things panned out with liam.

she doesn't tell liam about ezra, or ever go into details about "a." he knows about "a," given the publicity of it all, but they don't really discuss it beyond that. there's something nice about that initially - getting to reinvent herself, be seen only as the person liam knows from work. but it was also lonely, and ultimately ended up with her being with someone who didn't really understand her relationship with the girls or her past traumas.

it wasn't a relationship built to last, but one aria is grateful for

and also one has trouble letting go of. there's almost this fear that admitting to liam that she isn't where he is is a form of regression. she beats herself up over it, wondering why she can't be in love with the nice, easy person who makes her comfortable at ease. does some part of her crave danger and disaster? (is she to blame for having been attracted to ezra?) it takes some time for her to come to terms with the fact that she can want a relationship that is challenging and exciting but also safe and good and stable, and that wanting passion in a relationship isn't a bad thing, nor an inherently dangerous thing. that she deserves the relationship she wants and shouldn't stay with liam because he's the person she should want and she doesn't want to hurt anyone else.

she finds that balance. i'm me because of what's happened. because of what i've done and because of who i love. i like that person. that me. eventually comes to see that even though ezra was twisted and horrible, the love she had for him wasn't. it just shows that she's capable of intense, powerful love and trust and she doesn't regret that about herself. even if it means she gets hurt. she is not responsible for who ezra is or what he did.

#i am not your doll.#meta: aria.#meta.#ezria mention /#abuse mention /

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fortunawren · 1 year ago

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lyrics ii;

This could be a meditation practice, but honestly, I was just trying to pass the time when I wrote these.

I shuffled my playlist for this one.

“Ace of Hearts” by Zella Day

For me, it’s the opening of the song:

“Caught you at midnight Not in my right mind What you're afraid of Is where I just came from An ugly confession I think that I'm broken When I try to be open I get the feeling that I'm giving up on something I love, too much The sweetest misery that's taking me, I'm lost in the rush.”

“Official” by Charli XCX

I overplayed this song circa 2021 as if it was a lifeline. I have a fond memory of leaving the DMV after moving back to Charleston after five years and poorly belting out this song with my Honda windows down. (I miss my Honda sometimes, she was my baby)

*“Look at us Isn't it obvious? Is it so dangerous? Is it so complicated?

You know the shapes my body makes Under the sheets at 4 AM with you The things that we break when we're switching positions You know the words to my mistakes You understand because you made 'em too

The things that I say when you don't wanna listen Things that you say when I make bad decisions Things that we do by the sink in my kitchen I remember our first date No chocolate and no bouquet But the way that you kissed me These are the things that could make us official.”*

“Slide Away” by Miley Cyrus

Of course this song came out after Cyrus announced her divorce to Liam Hemsworth. I’ve always loved her voice.

“Once upon a time, it was made for us Woke up one day, it had turned to dust Baby, we were found, but now we're lost So it's time to let it go I want my house in the hills Don't want the whiskey and pills I don't give up easily But I don't think I'm down So won't you slide away Back to the ocean, I'll go back to the city lights So won't you slide away.”

“It’s Been Awhile” by Staind

This is a particularly triggering song for me but also a favorite lyrically. I was involved with SH as a young teenager and I would overplay this song to try to process my emotions and the trauma around me. As an adult, it speaks different volumes on addiction and accountability.

“Why must I feel this way? Just make this go away Just one more peaceful day And it's been awhile Since I could look at myself straight And it's been awhile Since I said I'm sorry And it's been awhile Since I've seen the way the candles light your face And it's been awhile But I can still remember just the way you taste And everything I can't remember As fucked up as it all may seem to be, and I know it's me I cannot blame this on my father He did the best he could for me”

“What If We Could” by Blue October

I always use this song in my manufactured intense romantic pairings as a writer. It’s sexy, it’s dark, it’s longing, and it’s a different version of love.

“It's like a last chance For a first dance You're a sunrise Can't somehow exist I would meet you Would you meet me? I'm glad to say that we've met But I'm sad to say that the circumstances weren't On our side So go on Go on be your own Go on be your own star A superstar in my eyes”

“papercuts” by Machine Gun Kelly

Don’t come for me (or do). I actually enjoy his music. The song that came up on my shuffle was the album version which is different from the single version in lyrics. He edited to add a small dig at Kanye West (👀👀) most likely in response to his friendship with Pete Davidson.

It’s definitely about the fine print of reading your contract, and understanding a life of fame. It serves as a cautionary tale.

“I spend a lot of nights thinking I might go to sleep and never wake up. I spend a lot of money on these therapy sessions Even though I'm not showing up I spend a lot of time healing my mind and my heart But I still put these drugs in my gut Me and my girl were just screaming at each other Right before we both got out of the truck I got some demons inside I'm tryna free them inside I'm from the Cleveland East Side Where the boy who was just starving with you Now might try to eat you alive, damn Y'all said that I switched genres I saw the limit and took it farther I'm a genius, could've made Donda But this song is for my dead father”

I’ll probably do this again.

(Plot twist: I did)

#lyrics #annotation #english #booktok #poems #quotes #thoughts #philosophy #breakdown #free #music #music blog #music recs #song suggestions #song recs #book recs #reading recs #pop culture

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canigetacupofugh · 2 years ago

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Anxiety from Trauma/Abuse + ADHD (pt 1)

The recent thing I'm dealing with is getting to know an old friend again and the anxiety I keep feeling whenever he responds in a way that isn't clearly happy.

I hate this. It's not fair to him or me that I am broken in this way. It makes me have little anxiety attacks and sometimes leap into over-explaining myself and suddenly spamming him these explanations instead of just waiting to see what he says next.

He's been super patient and understanding the whole time, never given me a single reason to expect him to respond poorly, yet here I am freaking out sometimes.

I talked to Husbeast about this - he's actually the one that encouraged me to reach out to Old Friend - and he pointed out that I keep assuming a negative tone first, and needing to see proof it's not negative before I can see how his tone may have been nonchalant or joking.

My Trauma/Abuse comes from being yelled at all the time and punished for things- which I feel like isn't a HUGE deal, but here we are middle aged and still dealing with the resulting anxiety!

I've learned that people who are ADHD take rejection a LOT harder. And applying that to what I know about myself - I control that by being hyper aware of everything I do and how that might come off so I don't get rejected, OR so I expect the rejection, and make myself not value that person's opinion of me.

A brief background - If my parents were mad it meant yelling and spanking and taking away whatever I was obsessed with. So I am hyper-focused on making sure I don't make the person in control of the thing I want/need mad. (in the case of making new friends, the thing I want/need is the friendship and their acceptance).

I don't think what my parents did with me was right, but I can look at it now as a parent, AND with an understanding of what they went through as well, what knowledge just wasn't common then, and I can understand how it happened. I have compassion for who they were then and see where they tried to be better. They didn't MAKE me cope this way, they didn't know this is how I'd end up - they tried to do better. And at the end of the day, now that I'm an adult, it's -my- job to fix this. It hasn't been their job for a long time now, even if I wanted to blame them, I can only blame them for a poor foundation they started me with - how I fix that moving forward is up to me.

There's no healing in staying mad at them. Been there, processed it, lets fix it.

So recently Old Friend answers a question oddly, and me, being the insanely obsessive analyzer I am look this over as much as possible.

Recently I heard that story about the 3 blind men who "see" an elephant for the first time. One touches the tail and says that an elephant is thin and hairy. Another touches the tusk and says that elephants are smooth and pointy. The third touches its side and says they're both wrong, an elephant is huge, with sparce hair and wrinkly skin. They are all partially correct and wrong to dismiss the other's opinions - the point being that they don't have the full picture.

I usually can see MOST of the picture. I'm creative, I've been through a lot, I ask a LOT of questions so I understand how and why people reach their conclusions - I'm pretty good at seeing most of the angles and allow that maybe there are some I didn't see and I listen...

And even though I can clearly SEE the angle where Old Friend is being reasonable and fine and not mad at all - I still freak out. Because the majority of my experiences similar to this one, somebody got mad at me and rejected me or took something away.

When this sort of thing happens on a good day I don't do anything weird. If he's not responding quickly, I walk away from the chat, distract myself, or tell myself he's not like my parents or the abuser I was with for a while - and 100% of the time so far, he's cool, we're cool, I'm just being neurotic.

On a bad day I spam him with explanations and pre-apologies and even acknowledge I'm letting my anxiety get to me.

And so far, 100% of the time he reassures me and is unbothered by my spam except for wanting me to be okay - so why do I keep freaking out???

It's because I don't trust him yet, and I want to.

People have played the long game with me- or at least it felt like it because I didn't see or ignored the red flags. So I am very once bitten, twice shy about REAL trust.

Here's the thing - REAL trust is earned, not won. And lack of trust isn't the same as DISTRUST.

And I think this is true for everybody, it's just more important to those of us who have been hurt.

He's doing great at earning my trust, but the full-on confidence in our friendship level of trust isn't there yet. It's only been a year and I'm a veteran of being betrayed - this is fine. I'm not failing at giving trust and he's not failing at earning it. And he's not asking for more than he's earned so far.

I have to break away from my old thinking, from the instincts I was given - Lack of trust does not equal distrust! Not trusting somebody yet isn't an insult, it's fucking smart. And it's a healthy process if I allow room for trust to grow.

I am damned good at reading people and my self defense mechanism is to read micro-expressions and apply all my past experiences and imagined things to determine what they might be thinking/feeling/etc so I can respond in a way that gets the results I want - pleasing them, expressing myself more accurately to how they'll understand it, making them laugh. Because pleasing people and being liked is how I survive. It's how I cope. If people like me, they're more likely to TRY to understand if I communicate poorly or do something weird. It buys me time before Big Mad happens and I get rejected or something I care about gets taken away.

I responded to my trauma not by not caring, but by caring even more, because that motivated me to tailor my behavior and who I present myself as as somebody you'll like and it's taken me what feels like a lifetime to let go of that shit when it's strangers or somebody who's already broken my trust. Fuck 'em, I don't need them to like me. It's okay.

Unfortunately for the recent social thing with Old Friend, my only past to pull from were a couple people who were/are gaslighters. 2 are family and fall under the - I love you but I don't like you category (a whole other blog!) - and the other is my abusive ex.... so I freaked out and didn't have the confidence of REAL trust to shut it up or wait it out.

I couldn't apply that confidence to see it as probably just an awkward wording and a totally fine response that just needed further communication. THEN I let my desire for things to be okay (because I really want this to be a closer friendship) made me impatient and desperate for it to be fixed.

I'm so used to being the only one invested enough or aware enough to see the problem, so I'm the only one WILLING to do the work to fix it- so I spammed him some anxious messages and clarifications before finally telling myself and him that I should just shut up and let him respond before I assume things.

Again, he was 100% chill and helpful and not like my past abusers at all...

So yeah- learning/reaffirming experiences while building a new friendship... and I'm sharing so maybe you don't feel alone, or maybe I give you that "aha!" moment that leads to processing your trauma or at least understanding how you responded to it.

Hi, I'm Shawn, and one of my adjectives is Anxious!

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